Disclaimer : This comprehensive list may leave you in literal (and/or; proverbial) stitches. Please consult your nearest medical student before reading.
While the title of this clickbait-esque piece promises actionable results, you will notice that the effort required to achieve them is conspicuously absent (as such things usually go). This is where you are in luck, as the only effort an appendectomy requires of you is the patience of dealing with doing nothing all day. Also, mind-numbing pain with every breath, cough and sneeze. But let's focus on the positives.
Now that it has been established that I have lost my marbles (appendix, actually), bear with me as I chronicle why this might be the perfect vacation you have never thought of.
1. Surprise!
What transports you from enjoying a quiet post-exam/conference weekend to a writhing mass of uncontrolled pain and anguish in a matter of minutes? Suicide Squad. Appendicitis comes a close second. The unpredictable element of this disease was demonstrated remarkably in my case. One moment I was dancing to the tunes of DJ Wala Babu in our college basement (no h8 plox), and 48 hours later, I'm in a hospital bed using flowery language to "converse" with the nursing staff. This also goes to prove that there is a correlation between terrible Hindi music and life-threatening health conditions.
2. Don't hate the player, hate the game.
You'll be happy to know that you can do absolutely nothing to prevent the onset of appendicitis. While this is generally not something to be pleased about, in the context of the shitstorm of blame that will inevitably follow, you're entirely free of liability. Your boss/principal has to find another outlet for all that frustration building up from the bevy of atrocious DC offerings. Please remember that this is coming from a sleep deprived 2nd year medical student, so my word is go'spiel'.
3. Emergency life-saver
An appendectomy is an emergency life-saving procedure. Is that quarterly review taking too long or will that Professor just never shut up or do you want to leave in the middle of Suicide Squad without seeming like a DC hater?! Keeling over holding your belly screaming 'Oh, my appendix', will probably smoothly extricate you from these situations without any fuss. Easy as spelling Laparoscopic Appendectomy.
4. VLCC, who?
Prior and post an appendectomy, you are required to maintain NBM (nil by mouth), which is basically medical slang to prevent you from shoving absolutely anything down your throat. It also happens to be fantastic life advice for some people. No, I'm not insinuating anything, orally or otherwise. Back to the meat of this point, I was starved for nearly 3 days, losing all that puppy fat I hadn't accumulated over the years.When everyone who comes to visit just wants to fatten you up, you know you've achieved that beach body you've (I've) wanted since you were 13. Moreover, they're removing a part of your intestine. Lose-lose.
5. Wet Dreams
You read that right. Putting it as indelicately as possible, you're not allowed to get your stitches wet, so enter sponge baths. The hot nurse that induced law-suit inviting thoughts in your head has to rub you down, from head to toe, with soapy warm water.... Or you could get as lucky as I was and land yourself a middle aged mustachioed man who will make you wish that the anesthesia had never worn off. But remember children, man lives to hope. For sponge baths. From hot nurses. Always.
6. The one with the morphine
"All the world's in pain, and all the men and women have morphine". - Snoop Lion Samhita
The weekend has arrived, all your dealers are in jail, and you really want to give Mary Jane some company. Fear not, an appendectomy is the one stop shop for all your higher priorities. Get yourself some of that really good stuff, on demand. For everybody who thinks Mary Jane is/was Spiderman's girlfriend, that's exactly what I meant.
7. 1 month your slave(s)
You are not allowed to lift, bend, push, pull, run, cough, sneeze, breathe etc etc for atleast 2 weeks post surgery. Any indication of work being delegated to you can be met with a hand to your stitches, a wince of agony and a soft "It's okay, I'll work through the pain", and watch how everyone scurries about trying to put you out of your misery. Work it well, and you can milk it for a solid 4 weeks. Who thought that the answer to an overbearing boss, nagging spouse and lazy colleagues is a bandaged abdomen and theatrical ability.
8. Free Lunch
"Mujhe appendix do, main tumhe medical certificate doonga." - Dr. Tilak, Azaadi Hospital
There is something called a free lunch, despite what Jessica Pearson says. The insurance pays your hospital bills, you get paid leave from work. If you discount the fact that you might not actually be able to eat lunch for a while, you have yourself a technically sound freebie. Not so often that life throws you one of those, and all you have to give up is your appendix. Let it go.
9. Bragging Rights
Who wouldn't want a chance to say Joker's iconic dialogue "Do you wanna know how I got these scars?" and mean it? Bill Weasley had them on his face. Al Pacino was called Scarface. Scars are cool. And also nearly invisible in the case of most appendectomy procedures. So if you have a prominent scar after your appendectomy, please go to the doctor. It's infected. And potentially life threatening. Do not use this as a pick up line. All you will be picking up is the hospital bill.
10. LOL.
Lots of love, duh. Your laughs out loud will be limited to the virtual realm till your stitches are removed, unless you want to spill your guts everywhere. Every colleague/friend that you may/ may not know exist and their sister will use you as an excuse to get out of dates, engagements, watching Suicide Squad etc. You'll never want for company and everyone leaves when it starts getting awkward. It's the perfect party scene that you'll never have.
While these 10 reasons might seem highly convincing arguments to embark on this journey, I don't recommend googling the symptoms and definitely do not advise faking them at your convenience. Anybody who does wish to employ such methods must keep in mind that this is a single use excuse and hence, must contemplate it's effectiveness before execution.
Well, what are you waiting for? The change that you've been waiting for, conveniently, comes from within.
So fake it till they take it.
While the title of this clickbait-esque piece promises actionable results, you will notice that the effort required to achieve them is conspicuously absent (as such things usually go). This is where you are in luck, as the only effort an appendectomy requires of you is the patience of dealing with doing nothing all day. Also, mind-numbing pain with every breath, cough and sneeze. But let's focus on the positives.
Now that it has been established that I have lost my marbles (appendix, actually), bear with me as I chronicle why this might be the perfect vacation you have never thought of.
1. Surprise!
What transports you from enjoying a quiet post-exam/conference weekend to a writhing mass of uncontrolled pain and anguish in a matter of minutes? Suicide Squad. Appendicitis comes a close second. The unpredictable element of this disease was demonstrated remarkably in my case. One moment I was dancing to the tunes of DJ Wala Babu in our college basement (no h8 plox), and 48 hours later, I'm in a hospital bed using flowery language to "converse" with the nursing staff. This also goes to prove that there is a correlation between terrible Hindi music and life-threatening health conditions.
2. Don't hate the player, hate the game.
You'll be happy to know that you can do absolutely nothing to prevent the onset of appendicitis. While this is generally not something to be pleased about, in the context of the shitstorm of blame that will inevitably follow, you're entirely free of liability. Your boss/principal has to find another outlet for all that frustration building up from the bevy of atrocious DC offerings. Please remember that this is coming from a sleep deprived 2nd year medical student, so my word is go'spiel'.
3. Emergency life-saver
An appendectomy is an emergency life-saving procedure. Is that quarterly review taking too long or will that Professor just never shut up or do you want to leave in the middle of Suicide Squad without seeming like a DC hater?! Keeling over holding your belly screaming 'Oh, my appendix', will probably smoothly extricate you from these situations without any fuss. Easy as spelling Laparoscopic Appendectomy.
4. VLCC, who?
Prior and post an appendectomy, you are required to maintain NBM (nil by mouth), which is basically medical slang to prevent you from shoving absolutely anything down your throat. It also happens to be fantastic life advice for some people. No, I'm not insinuating anything, orally or otherwise. Back to the meat of this point, I was starved for nearly 3 days, losing all that puppy fat I hadn't accumulated over the years.When everyone who comes to visit just wants to fatten you up, you know you've achieved that beach body you've (I've) wanted since you were 13. Moreover, they're removing a part of your intestine. Lose-lose.
5. Wet Dreams
You read that right. Putting it as indelicately as possible, you're not allowed to get your stitches wet, so enter sponge baths. The hot nurse that induced law-suit inviting thoughts in your head has to rub you down, from head to toe, with soapy warm water.... Or you could get as lucky as I was and land yourself a middle aged mustachioed man who will make you wish that the anesthesia had never worn off. But remember children, man lives to hope. For sponge baths. From hot nurses. Always.
6. The one with the morphine
"All the world's in pain, and all the men and women have morphine". - Snoop Lion Samhita
The weekend has arrived, all your dealers are in jail, and you really want to give Mary Jane some company. Fear not, an appendectomy is the one stop shop for all your higher priorities. Get yourself some of that really good stuff, on demand. For everybody who thinks Mary Jane is/was Spiderman's girlfriend, that's exactly what I meant.
7. 1 month your slave(s)
You are not allowed to lift, bend, push, pull, run, cough, sneeze, breathe etc etc for atleast 2 weeks post surgery. Any indication of work being delegated to you can be met with a hand to your stitches, a wince of agony and a soft "It's okay, I'll work through the pain", and watch how everyone scurries about trying to put you out of your misery. Work it well, and you can milk it for a solid 4 weeks. Who thought that the answer to an overbearing boss, nagging spouse and lazy colleagues is a bandaged abdomen and theatrical ability.
8. Free Lunch
"Mujhe appendix do, main tumhe medical certificate doonga." - Dr. Tilak, Azaadi Hospital
There is something called a free lunch, despite what Jessica Pearson says. The insurance pays your hospital bills, you get paid leave from work. If you discount the fact that you might not actually be able to eat lunch for a while, you have yourself a technically sound freebie. Not so often that life throws you one of those, and all you have to give up is your appendix. Let it go.
9. Bragging Rights
Who wouldn't want a chance to say Joker's iconic dialogue "Do you wanna know how I got these scars?" and mean it? Bill Weasley had them on his face. Al Pacino was called Scarface. Scars are cool. And also nearly invisible in the case of most appendectomy procedures. So if you have a prominent scar after your appendectomy, please go to the doctor. It's infected. And potentially life threatening. Do not use this as a pick up line. All you will be picking up is the hospital bill.
10. LOL.
Lots of love, duh. Your laughs out loud will be limited to the virtual realm till your stitches are removed, unless you want to spill your guts everywhere. Every colleague/friend that you may/ may not know exist and their sister will use you as an excuse to get out of dates, engagements, watching Suicide Squad etc. You'll never want for company and everyone leaves when it starts getting awkward. It's the perfect party scene that you'll never have.
While these 10 reasons might seem highly convincing arguments to embark on this journey, I don't recommend googling the symptoms and definitely do not advise faking them at your convenience. Anybody who does wish to employ such methods must keep in mind that this is a single use excuse and hence, must contemplate it's effectiveness before execution.
Well, what are you waiting for? The change that you've been waiting for, conveniently, comes from within.
So fake it till they take it.
