We, Indians, are an amusing lot. If you've noticed, whenever a discussion about foreign presence in a country comes up, you can bank on an Indian proudly saying, "Eh, you know, India has never invaded any country, like ever.", while casually engaging in sexism, misogyny, communal unrest and female infanticide in the same breath. We, Indians, are an amusing lot. We are a country that gives directions based on time and movable landmarks. I can imagine an Indian giving directions to go to Mars, "Haan, go straight up for around 3 minutes, you'll see a big ball of fire on your right, no no, don't go there, take the free left and keep going for 300 days."
But the thing that gets me everytime is the way we categorize our internet. As a college student of all of 10 months, and as an NRI enjoying infamous speeds back home, the thing that breaks us first, if diarrheoa doesn't do it, is the agonizingly slow college wifi. It is not uncommon to find a student ensconed in a cupboard or perched on a shelf, because '3 bars bro'. As getting a separate internet connection in a hostel is a laughable fantasy, we avail the concept of an internet dongle. Facing dire straits, I found myself in the office of a local internet service provider, you know, because the internet is too slow for "Skype".
The following is a real life, albeit slightly exaggerated, incident. (Names have been withheld due to fear for life after recent Vyapam Scam incidents.)
"Sir, you are a college student?", to which the answer unfailingly is yes. Smiling as a Muslim smiles at a goat on Bakri Eid, he reached for a box on the shelf.
"Sir, this is the best offer for college students, 20 GB unlimited internet, one month validity, 9.8 MBps speed, just for Rs.999". I was dumbfounded. Unlimited internet for a month at that speed for a 1000 bucks? Surely, there was a catch. But, of course.
"So, I get unlimited internet for a month for Rs.999?".
"No Sir, 20 GB unlimited internet." Trying to wrap my head around having '20 GB' and 'unlimited' in the same sentence, I put forth the following reasonable conclusion.
"So, you're saying this offer is for 20 GB for one month at Rs.999."
"Yes, Sir, 10 GB unlimited morning, 10 GB unlimited night." Now, he was just playing with his food. I wondered what sheer confusion tasted like.
"But you said 20 GB?"
"Yes, Sir, this offer is for 20 GB unlimited internet, one month validity, 9.8 MBps speed, 10 GB morning, 10 GB night, just for Rs.999." At that point, Inception seemed to make more sense, so I just gave up, and called a friendly senior ( Yes, they do exist), who assured me that it was what I indeed wanted. I purchased said internet package and bolted before further assaults could be made on my intelligence.
And scene.
For my readers, who might be wondering if I didn't belong in a mental instituion, let me translate what just happened, with experience gained in hindsight. What, our dear friend, the internet salesman, meant was that the internet package would avail me to 20 GB of data at a speed of 9.8 MBps for a month, after which the speed would be regulated to certain pre-determined, much slower, limits. I still haven't figured out the 10 GB morning-night deal, but let me assure you it does not come with a complimentary breakfast.
What is now an amusing anecdote, is a prevalent scene across India. Seeing huge billboards advertising the very same 'Limited data, unlimited internet' is not uncommon. Fellow NRIs and other unsuspecting Indians, this is what it means. You are welcome.
It also provides us with an answer to the quintessential Indian question.
"Kitna deti hai?"
"20 GB unlimited internet, one month validity, 9.8 MBps speed, 10 GB morning, 10 GB night, Sir!"
Jaago, Grahak, Jaago!
But the thing that gets me everytime is the way we categorize our internet. As a college student of all of 10 months, and as an NRI enjoying infamous speeds back home, the thing that breaks us first, if diarrheoa doesn't do it, is the agonizingly slow college wifi. It is not uncommon to find a student ensconed in a cupboard or perched on a shelf, because '3 bars bro'. As getting a separate internet connection in a hostel is a laughable fantasy, we avail the concept of an internet dongle. Facing dire straits, I found myself in the office of a local internet service provider, you know, because the internet is too slow for "Skype".
The following is a real life, albeit slightly exaggerated, incident. (Names have been withheld due to fear for life after recent Vyapam Scam incidents.)
"Sir, you are a college student?", to which the answer unfailingly is yes. Smiling as a Muslim smiles at a goat on Bakri Eid, he reached for a box on the shelf.
"Sir, this is the best offer for college students, 20 GB unlimited internet, one month validity, 9.8 MBps speed, just for Rs.999". I was dumbfounded. Unlimited internet for a month at that speed for a 1000 bucks? Surely, there was a catch. But, of course.
"So, I get unlimited internet for a month for Rs.999?".
"No Sir, 20 GB unlimited internet." Trying to wrap my head around having '20 GB' and 'unlimited' in the same sentence, I put forth the following reasonable conclusion.
"So, you're saying this offer is for 20 GB for one month at Rs.999."
"Yes, Sir, 10 GB unlimited morning, 10 GB unlimited night." Now, he was just playing with his food. I wondered what sheer confusion tasted like.
"But you said 20 GB?"
"Yes, Sir, this offer is for 20 GB unlimited internet, one month validity, 9.8 MBps speed, 10 GB morning, 10 GB night, just for Rs.999." At that point, Inception seemed to make more sense, so I just gave up, and called a friendly senior ( Yes, they do exist), who assured me that it was what I indeed wanted. I purchased said internet package and bolted before further assaults could be made on my intelligence.
And scene.
For my readers, who might be wondering if I didn't belong in a mental instituion, let me translate what just happened, with experience gained in hindsight. What, our dear friend, the internet salesman, meant was that the internet package would avail me to 20 GB of data at a speed of 9.8 MBps for a month, after which the speed would be regulated to certain pre-determined, much slower, limits. I still haven't figured out the 10 GB morning-night deal, but let me assure you it does not come with a complimentary breakfast.
What is now an amusing anecdote, is a prevalent scene across India. Seeing huge billboards advertising the very same 'Limited data, unlimited internet' is not uncommon. Fellow NRIs and other unsuspecting Indians, this is what it means. You are welcome.
It also provides us with an answer to the quintessential Indian question.
"Kitna deti hai?"
"20 GB unlimited internet, one month validity, 9.8 MBps speed, 10 GB morning, 10 GB night, Sir!"
Jaago, Grahak, Jaago!
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